Bear with me it’s 2 a.m.

Yes, it’s actually 2 a.m. right now. I was woken up abruptly by a dream that I thought was real which isn’t really surprising as this happens a lot. Lately I’ve been having a lot of anxiety provoking dreams related to past relationships and this one that I just had literally woke me up from my sleep. So I’ve been dreading writing this post since I started my blog, but I knew that it was going to be written some day and this day has come.

In my post that I wrote earlier this week I made three different playlists regarding forever love, heartbreak, and crushing on someone. Even though I just made those playlists they are very important to me because I’ve definitely experienced all three of these types of love since I’ve been dating. However, the one that I want to talk about is heartbreak…

I had my very first “serious” boyfriend my senior year of high school. I was completely infatuated. It was one of those situations where you felt like you loved the person before you even met in person. We met online on social media and after about a month we finally met in person. This was the first time where a guy actually showed interest in me before I showed interest in them so of course I was excited. Eventually we met and this was my first date ever. I was super nervous as any teenage would be going on her first date because I didn’t know what to expect. This person was also a year ahead of me in school so they were a freshman in college while I was still a senior in high school. I was hesitant as they were older than me because it’s a big deal when a high school student dates a college student even if we aren’t that far apart in ages. Anyway, the first date went well and I knew this was someone that I could see myself dating. It would be long distance since they were in college, but I was willing to do this. I had no idea what I was getting myself into…

Though I had no idea what I was getting into I wasn’t hesitant because I knew I wanted to be with this person but had no idea if they felt the same way. We had only just gone on one date, they were far away at school, and we were just in different places in our life, however on NYE 2012 this person asked me to be their girlfriend. I distinctly remember asking them if they were sure considering the circumstances and they said they were. I swear I was the happiest person going into the new year. I was not expecting this at all and I just remember I couldn’t believe it.

So a few days later he went back to school and everything was all good. However about three weeks in, I noticed he felt a little distant and then about a week later he broke up with me. The reason that he gave me was that the distance was too much for him. Of course I was thinking to myself “didn’t you think about that before” but I just listened to his reasoning and we agreed to keep in touch just not communicate on a regular basis as we were before. And this was when this emotional rollercoaster began…

Eventually we stopped talking consistently after a few days and I remember telling myself something like well he’s in college and away what did I expect and a type of “oh well” mentality. However this “oh well” mentality was quickly changed after a couple of weeks went by and he contacted me again. Before we broke up I had planned to visit him in a couple of months and so somehow this was brought back up again and his spring break was coming up so he was going to be back home and wanted to see me. Nothing was set in stone and then a few weeks later he contacted me once he was at home and asked if we could meet up. It wasn’t a date or anything but we went to high schools that were about 10 minutes from each other so he was in the area and wanted to meet up. Literally we met up in a parking lot and we talked in my car for a while. It had been a couple of months since we had seen each other and I remember leaving to drive home and I was so happy. Just because I was hopeful for what could potentially happen in the future.

A couple of weeks went by of us not talking, which this would eventually become the pattern of communication. I had gotten a flight to visit family in the same area where he was in for school and you guessed it he ended up wanting to see me. This was more like a date and he was sending a lot of mixed signals as what he wanted. We left this date both knowing that we wanted to be in each other’s lives but he wasn’t ready to commit to being in a relationship yet, which was extremely frustrating…

The cycle continued of him contacting me every couple of weeks… we would text for about a week or so then eventually he would stop responding and then I wouldn’t hear from him for about two weeks and then he would contact me again as if time had never passed. I never called him out about it and I just accepted that this was going to be the way that it would be from now on. At this point it was going into the summer and I was about to graduate from high school. He was going to be home for a while and suggested that we hang out. Of course I didn’t say no because I still like him and had hope for what could be. We went on a date basically our first date all over again ( same movie theatre, same restaurant) and it went really well however I wasn’t sure what was going to be the result of this date. A couple of days later he asked me to be his girlfriend again and this time I questioned him a couple of times being like “are you sure” as we just tried this a few months ago. He was sure so I said yes and we were in a relationship again. Everything was all good for a few weeks we went on a dates and spent a lot of time together, but out of the blue he breaks up with me about three weeks into when we started dating. Of course I was confused as I thought we were fine and basically just got back together. He didn’t really give me a reason and this time I was super hurt as I decided to give him another chance and then just ended it so quickly.

This was a tough breakup as we didn’t really communicate afterward and I was searching for answers as it didn’t make sense why he would want to be with me and then not want to be with me especially because he was initiating everything. Eventually he went back to school and I went to Miami to start my freshman year of college. We weren’t friends on social media anymore and we barely communicated. The cycle that we were in before slowly began though it was not consistent and it would be filled with mixed signals and subtle hints about the possibility of getting back together.

However this changed when we ended up at the same high school prom together. So I was planning to go to prom with my best friend and somehow he was going with a girl who went to this same high school. Luckily I knew before going that he was going to be there but it was a mess. I remember we made eye contact at the prom but he said nothing to me. I was devastated. Later that night I cried with my mom because I couldn’t believe he would just ignore me like that as if he didn’t know me. The next day I flew back to school and literally when I turned my phone on I got this long message from him about how he was sorry for not speaking to me and basically wanted to give things another try. Of course I was hesitant as this would be the third time for us trying to date, but at this point I liked him a lot and my feelings were already invested. Then of course we were back to this emotionally unstable cycle…

This lasted for about a couple of months and then late in the summer things began to get “serious” again. I can’t remember how we started talking but we were on good terms and one night he called me, I specifically remember the phone call and he was telling me about this dream he had that we got married. He was sure that he wanted to be with me and I was not buying any of it because we had already dated twice and I knew that he did not know what he wanted. However in the back of my mind I wanted to be with him. At this point he was the only person I could see myself with. Eventually he came back to Atlanta and he asked me to be his girlfriend basically the first time we saw each other. This time I made sure to ask him if he was sure and that this was the last tine I would do this because my heart wouldn’t be able to take this cycle anymore. He assured me that this would not happen again…

We were only physically together for about a week and still when I look back those are some of my favorite memories. Well since you already know that it didn’t end well I don’t even have to go into that, but alas. We only had a week together before he had to go back to school and I remember when he left it was if we both knew that would be the last time we would see each other. It was an extremely emotional goodbye but I had a little bit of hope that things would work out. This hope dwindled when a few weeks later he called and broke up with me. This time there was no hope for the future. He basically said that he was completely done. This was by far one of the hardest conversations I had to have. I was devastated because at this point when we were dating we were saying “I love you” to each other on a regular basis. Though he was my first boyfriend I swore that we were going to get married even though the relationship was clearly unstable from the beginning. He blocked me on basically all of social media and it we ended cold turkey…

About three months went by with no communication and he reached out to me on the only social media we were still friends on and eventually we started texting. I wanted to see him over the winter break because I was not ready to completely let go of the relationship. He agreed and this was probably the most awkward situation I’ve been in. We basically had our first date over again but it was terrible. It was just so awkward as we hadn’t been communicating and he clearly didn’t want to be there. Though this was an awkward situation we ended up meeting up again a few days later and that was the last time we hung out.

Several months went by and somehow we were talking again. This was a few years ago so I can’t really remember the little details anymore, but it was my junior year of college and he somehow convinced himself that he wanted to be in a relationship with me again. We never officially got back together but we were in the process of establishing a relationship and he even wanted me to come visit him for his birthday. This last lasted for about two weeks and all of a sudden he told me that we could never be together because of the challenges I deal with regarding mental health. I had never been so heartbroken before. This I remember perfectly because I came back home for an event with my dad and I remember I was on the plane train (if you’re from Atlanta you know what I’m talking about lol) and I was holding back tears as I was reading the text message. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and that I had just been told the worst news of my life. This was March 2016. It is now February 2019 and though I am embarrassed to say I can tell you all this, I am not over him…

I know so much time has passed but something about your first love and first heartbreak. Many people who only know bits and pieces of the story don’t understand how I could still be hurting from this because they didn’t know the whole story. Well I just told you all the whole story minus little details here and there. It has been extremely difficult to get over this person as we have a lot of mutual friends and even some of my friends, who I have confronted about before and told them it hurts me, are still in contact with him on social media. A couple of months after he said he basically wanted nothing to do with me he posted a picture of his new girlfriend on social media. I was devastated. Mainly because I knew that there would be no more hope for a relationship.

In May of last year I was in North Carolina visiting some friends and I got a text from one of my good friends saying that he had gotten engaged. I literally felt like I could throw up. I was so heartbroken. It’s one of those things that you know would happen but you always hope that you would be so far removed from the situation that you would never actually know. Not in my case. I had no idea what to do, I mean what could I do? Absolutely nothing. I was shocked, heartbroken, embarrassed (that I still had these strong feelings), and just completely broken. I just couldn’t believe that this was happening.

It is now February 2019 and I just woke up from a realistic dream and he was in in it. I don’t want to go into details of the dream but as soon as I woke up I started crying. These are the times that I feel the most broken. When I can’t control my thoughts about him and when my mind just takes over. I know that there’s no possibility of a relationship but my heart still hurts. I mean doesn’t it have the right to? I’ve never had so much love for this person as I do. Demi Lovato has a documentary called “Simply Complicated” and she talks about her relationship with her ex boyfriend Wilmer, of six years. She even says “I think my heart is always with Wilmer… was with Wilmer… is with Wilmer, and I think that it will [always be with him].” As soon as she said this I immediately related to this because I definitely feel that way. It’s on of those things that I can suppress and try to say that it doesn’t affect me but it does. Though I know I won’t end up with him there’s a part of me that thinks that I will never love someone as much as I loved him. He was someone I looked up to, my best friends, and was truly my everything. It really breaks my heart that we ended so badly and that he’ll probably never know how I still feel unless he reads this post which I highly doubt, haha. Which I am okay with because I am writing this post for me and for anyone else out there who has gotten their heartbroken by someone who you thought would never break it.

It is now 3:30 a.m. and yes I am sad and feeling broken but I know that the love I have for him can be taken and be given to someone else when the time is right… A couple of years ago I was watching the spin- off of Boy Meet’s World and Angela comes back into Shawn’s life to get advice about starting a family. If you all never watched Boy Meet’s World, well you’re missing out, but Shawn and Angela dated throughout college and it was assumed that they would ended up together. On this episode Shawn tells Angela that he doesn’t know if he’s ready to fully be in a relationship with someone even though years have passed and she basically tells him to take what they had together and put it toward the new relationship. I truly may never get over him as I often tell people that I feel like I won’t. I truly may always love him, this might be the case but I hope that I can too use the love I found in him and give that to someone else who is deserving of it.

I know you probably will never read this and I know that you’re happy now and in love but you were my first love and my forever love. You’ll always have a special place in my heart though your hurt me because I learned to love you despite that. I probably will never speak to you or see you again. I am broken. A part of me will probably always be broken but you will always hold a place in my heart.

Love,

Bear