So I know it’s been a REALLY long time since I wrote a blog post but that’s just because I haven’t really wanted to sit down and actually write something. But I promised my therapist that I would write a blog post so here it goes…
Many of my older blog posts have been on past relationships or current situations that I thought would end in a relationship but they sadly did not. I wanted to write about the current state of my romantic life. So going into the summer I told myself that I would be open to just letting whatever happen, happen if I met a guy that I ended up liking. But knowing me I always say this and then I end up expecting and hoping for a full blown relationship. I hadn’t had much luck with dating in Chicago so I was looking forward to being home in Atlanta because I thought that the dating pool would be a little bit bigger than it was in Chicago! The first week that I was in Atlanta I actually matched with this guy on a dating site and we planned to meet up for a little first date. Long story short he basically ghosted me… he didn’t show up for the date and didn’t even communicate with me that he wasn’t going to come. We had only been texting for a couple of days so I wasn’t THAT invested, but come on, that’s just rude. I didn’t think much of it other than why would anyone be so inconsiderate especially if we made plans. After this I was determined to actually meet someone in person that I met online…
I remember I spent almost the entire day just swiping on guy’s profiles and sending messages to start off small talk conversations that would lead into me wanting to give them my number. I was about to give up but then I matched with this guy who seemed pretty interesting. We had a few exchanges of small talk and then I asked the infamous, “so what are your intentions for being on here/ what are you looking for?” He replied that his intentions were to get to know people since he just moved and to maybe go on a few dates. I thought that he seemed genuine enough so we could start texting.
A couple days later we had kind an impromptu first date. We walked on the belt line and talked about pretty much everything. Though it was our first date I felt that I had met him before. Sounds cliche, but it’s true! I was surprised that he shared an intimate details about his family life and his experiences, however I was flattered that he was being vulnerable with me. We spent a couple of hours together and toward the middle of the date I already knew that I wanted to see him again. We spent a couple of hours together before he had to leave to meet his friends for dinner, but I feel we would have been there longer if it weren’t for that. Somehow we ended up scheduling a second date for literally the day after the first date. We had a similar date and I remember we both had to keep adding time for parking because we continued to talk for a long time. Eventually we decided to leave because it was getting late and once again there was no doubt in my mind if I wanted to spend more time with him.
I was going to be leaving for a few family vacation a couple of days later so I wanted to spend as much time as I could prior to leaving because I’m always afraid that people are going to forget about me. I felt that there was a genuine connection with this guy, however I had only just met him so I didn’t want to get my hopes up like I usually do…
To my surprise this guy ended up liking spending time with me as much or maybe more than I liked spending time with him. It felt so nice for the feeling to be reciprocated as I’ve been in situations where it wasn’t. I saw him one more time before leaving for vacation and he told me that he was going to plan a surprise birthday date for me since I wasn’t going to be in the city on my birthday. Though I was gone we stayed in pretty much constant communication. I was so happy and was super hopeful that we were on the path to a relationship.
After coming back from vacation, things were just as how it was before I left. We both wanted to see each other and were making plans to spend time together. Everything was all good and I was super happy. Little did I know this would change in a couple of weeks. I left to go back to Chicago for a few weeks and so many things changed. We weren’t communicating like we had been previously and I felt that he was annoyed with so many things that I was doing. After a few days he finally told me what was wrong and that he felt that I was calling too much and I understood that. I’m definitely a talking on the phone type person and that’s how I’ve been with other guys but he isn’t and he hadn’t really expressed that prior. I listened to him and made adjustments and felt that things were getting better…
I finally returned back to Atlanta and everything was different. He was barely excited to see me, we were barely communicating, and he wasn’t putting in much effort to spend time with me. Every time I suggested something he would say maybe or I’m busy. We ended up seeing each other that week and things were just different. I was starting to get anxious because I knew I’d be going back to Chicago in a few weeks and had no idea what was going on with us. Finally I asked him what was going to happen when I went back to Chicago and he honestly said that he didn’t know. I expressed wanting a relationship with him and he just kept on saying I have no idea how I’ll feel. This conversation ultimately ended in me crying in his car as I was overwhelm with emotions because I was certain he would leave me. This was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I had never actually cried in front of a guy I liked about something they did or said. Eventually I got myself together and was looking forward to the weekend of events that were planned.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. After coming back from an event he told me that he needed to talk to me about something. As soon as he said this my anxiety was probably at a 9. He started explaining that he wanted to take things slow to make sure he was certain of his feelings and what he wanted. Of course in my head this meant that he didn’t want me. He also informed me that he had been on other dates and I’ve never been in a situation where a guy I was seriously interested was still talking to other girls. This news was unexpected but I wasn’t surprised as he had been acting distant. We already planned a lake weekend with some of his friends for Labor Day Weekend so of course I asked if he still wanted me to go and he said yes, so I was trying to stay positive.
Following this conversation he still remained distant so I was unsure where we stood. I was betting increasingly anxious as the lake weekend was coming up and felt that it would be awkward if I didn’t express how I felt before going. I finally called him a few days before the trip and honestly expressed how I felt about him. I told him that I really liked him and that I could see myself being with him and that I did indeed want to have a relationship with him, however that he was distant. I expressed that weren’t talking much and that I felt I was the only one putting in effort. Though I expressed my concerns I was clear that I wanted to be with him. Finally after I was done expressing myself he said he understood where I was coming from, but that he wasn’t sure if we should still go out of town.
Y’all… I was devastated… I am not sure what I was expecting but it wasn’t that. I was sure he wouldn’t suggest this as I had asked him previous times if he still wanted to go and plus the trip was only a couple of days away. We also planned the trip about a month prior so I was looking forward to it. I immediately regretted telling him how I felt because if we didn’t go on the trip we basically would not continue talking. I tried to assure him that the trip would be fun and that it would it would be good for us but he insisted that he needed some time to think about it. He agreed that he would let me know the next day as I needed time to pack and plan if I was still going on the trip.
A moment of complete transparency
I have never felt so anxious in my life. Okay maybe I am exaggerating… but I can’t remember the last time I felt this anxious about something. Though I had no control over the situation I was so anxious that I started physically showing symptoms of anxiety, which usually doesn’t happen unless I am extremely anxious. I called my closest friends trying to take my mind off of it but I just could not stop thinking how devastated I would be if whatever me and this guy had suddenly ended. I stayed up super late and was tossing and turning all night. I have to admit that I prayed so much for this guy to still want me to go on this trip because I really do like and care about him and can see a future. After being anxious for most of the day, he finally told me that he still wanted me to go. Though I was so happy I was still a little worried that he would change his mind again. I was worrying for no reason because he didn’t change his mind and we ended up going on the trip and having a really great time!
So I say all of this to say that dating is hard but dating with anxiety is a constant internal battle because you end up worrying about things that may not even be relevant to the situation that you are in. Yes, any girl might become insecure and less confident if they find out that the guy they really like is seeing another girl because they aren’t exclusive but girls with anxiety will beat themselves up about it worrying about how or why they ended up in this situation. Also thinking that it is their own fault for any uncertainties in the situation.
Ultimately, I’ve expressed my feelings for this guy as much as I can and I constantly try to assure him that I really do care about him and show my care. That’s honestly all I can do at this point and hope that it turns out for the best.
I really just wanted to write this in hopes of helping someone who has ever been in this situation or struggles with anxiety. I also wanted to express my care and feelings and let people know that it’s okay to feel for someone and express their emotions because they will always be valid.
